musings

-I am very disturbed by the amount of sludge left at the bottom of my coffee cup at the end of the day. I probably should be drinking more water.
-I spend a lot of time talking about my cat. If I weren't engaged I'd be very concerned about the chances of becoming that crazy cat lady who volunteers at the school cafeteria.
-My microwave has been broken for 3 days, and I've decided it's too heavy to move. And then I realized this is why people use their old TVs as stands for their new TVs.
-I've decided wedding planning is where type-A people like me come to die. You think that it would be GREAT for people like me. But it turns out that changes like crab cake instead of salmon puffs reduce me to tears.
-I've recently discovered I'm completely unstable. (See above.)
-I miss writing, but I don't have the time. And yet somehow I managed to re-organize my tupperware cabinet. It had to be done, mind you, for fear that people would find themselves under a mountain of containers if they opened the cabinet door. But I still can't seem to justify the hour I spent purging food storage aids.

Thanks, Vera.

It's quite possible that I accidently bought a maternity shirt. It's also very possible that I am wearing aforementioned shirt. Maybe it's the pleated fabric and the tie in the front that makes me feel a little "with child." Maybe it's the piece of chocolate chip banana bread I had this morning with my coffee. All I know is that about 20 minutes ago I checked the tag to make sure I wasn't wearing "Vera Wang Expecting" and thanked the Gap gods that I wore "skinny" jeans to work today. What a weird morning...

letters

Nestled deep within my little mailbox today were three letters. All of them with my name carefully handwritten on the front in black pen. Each of them from different countries – Iraq, Japan, the United States. I sat for a minute on my couch with them in my lap, admiring the envelopes which seemed to mimic the senders’ personalities. There was a moment where I thought I might not open any of them; I could leave them unopened on my dining table until I had a day that was completely void of compassion or thoughtfulness. I could hide them away in my desk drawer until I had an empty day. Because sometimes I get so tired of being the one who speaks all the time. The one who writes the letters. Sometimes I neglect the sanctity of a moment to nourish my own spirit. And so I wanted to hold on tightly to these three letters that so advantageously turned up at the same time as a reminder that it is foolishness to think that I’ve been left alone. To make the mistake of Elijah and cry out in despair when there is a remnant. As a reminder that though the body of the woman was torn for the 12 tribes and scattered, it was still one body.

“Somewhere we know that without silence words lose their meaning, that without listening speaking no longer heals, that without distance closeness cannot cure.” Henri Nouwen

From Justin

Valise-ian Fields

For Drea: Thank you for cooking for me.

I've often said that when I die, I want everything I own to fit into a suitcase. This is only because I have a really bulky toothbrush. Otherwise, I would just use a Wal-Mart bag. But then the eco-nuts would draw-and-quarter me and use me for organic compost. So, yes, Samsonite. Banville says that maybe life is all a great preparation for the leaving of it. That sounds very neatly contained, and I think that's a part of it, sure. But even more than my suitcase-stuff, I want to de-collect invisible things. I want, when I die, to smile at the thought of breathing being my last, heaviest burden. I will have forgiven and been forgiven. I will have loved and been loved. I will live and leave and live again. You can keep the suitcase.

-justin mcdevitt

smitten. smoldering.

I'm one of those people who uses three out of four stove-top burners for one meal. Pay close attention - I have a way of juggling too much, but I'll make it look like I was born to stir three pots at once.

Today someone asked me about how much I trusted God's providence. I didn't have much of an answer, so I thought it was best to stew on the question a bit. And eight hours later I'm suddenly struck sick with the thought that this might not work out the way I thought. Or hoped. And I'm not sure what to do with that. I'm not ready to just let go of this. In fact, I'm pretty adamantly refusing. And it's not the thought of not gaining something that's painful; it's losing something.

I'm not sure where I wandered off. But I found myself in a good place. So imagine my surprise only to return to find all these pots boiling over.

Farewell June.

This month has 25 days of conflict. Mostly emotional, sometimes mental, never physical (unless you count when I shoved Jett during a particularily engaging game of "Pit." I've never been one to have it all together, but I fake it well - which is good, because I'm pretty much always a mess. But I've decided that since June was the month of "No Hope" that July would be the month I get myself together. We'll call July the month of "Grace." Not that grace is necessarily the opposite of No Hope, but that's what I need. Any maybe that'll lend it's way to hope, and joy...maybe even peace? Here goes nothing. In the mean time, I'm on my way to developing a terrible journal habit and I'm applying for teaching jobs. And I'm also trying to keep myself from turning into a complete basket case. Goodbye June, you've been stressful. I hope July is more kind to my soul.

This is my Jeremy. He left for the Air Force this morning. My routine of watching old Simpson's re-runs and playing hours and hours of card/board games just took a serious hit. Also, vegetables just made their way back into my diet in a strong way.

This is Kodos. My baby. He came in and out of my life quick, the little rascal. I had him for a month, where I spoiled the "stray" right outta him. But no amount of fancy kitten food or cutesy little play toys could make him better and I had to put him down. To date, that is probably in the Top Five of "Most awful moments." But we got to love on him, and he sure did make for a good snuggle mate.

I rest in this - June is almost over. I never thought I'd be so excited about the heat and mosquitoes July brings, but I'm so ready.

waiting.

Things to Do in the Belly of the Whale
Measure the walls. Count the ribs. Notch the long days.
Look up for blue sky through the spout. Make small fires
with the broken hulls of fishing boats. Practice smoke signals.
Call old friends, and listen for echoes of distant voices.
Organize your calendar. Dream of the beach. Look each way
for the dim glow of light. Work on your reports. Review
each of your life’s ten million choices. Endure moments
of self-loathing. Find the evidence of those before you.
Destroy it. Try to be very quiet, and listen for the sound
of gears and moving water. Listen for the sound of your heart.
Be thankful that you are here, swallowed with all hope,
where you can rest and wait. Be nostalgic. Think of all
the things you did and could have done. Remember
treading water in the center of the still night sea, your toes
pointing again and again down, down into the black depths.
-Dan Albergotti



I remember all those nights I would tread water, and I wonder if this isn't better. It's certainly easier. And so while I sit and measure the walls, call out to friends in vain, make smoke signals that no one can see, I'll narrate stories in my head. Name my future children. Alphabetize my spices. Chastise myself for everything I've done wrong. Defend those choices. Refuse to move on. Play board games. Wait for you to come to your senses. Put nothing on paper. Neglect my commitments to people. Write letters I'll never send. Make excuses. Let my heart be hardened. Still the last fainting beat. Wait for it to be revived. And if it doesn't, I'll rest in this - being in the belly of this fish is more peaceful than treading water. It's not where I'm supposed to be, maybe. But I'd rather not escape. Much less tiring.